On Approaching Life with Calm Virtue
It’s a running joke in my family: whenever we go camping, and we make a campfire to sit around at night, everyone else sits around the fire relaxing. But me? I’m up every 30 seconds poking the fire. Moving the logs this way and that. Making sure everything is just so. Sometimes I find the action itself relaxing, and even regulating. But other times, it's because, for whatever reason, I find it hard to simply let the fire burn.
I find it so hard to just sit and let the fire burn. Maybe you’re the same?
You might find yourself doing the same thing in your life. Maybe you’re not a campfire poker, but you find that there’s always something to do. Even (especially) when you’re feeling stressed, or you’re in a hard spot in life. Or maybe it’s just habitual, at this point. You move. You work. You get things done because, well, if you don’t, who will? And because if you’re doing something, at least you’re trying, right? You’re putting in the effort to have the life you want.
But lately, I’ve been thinking about this concept of calm virtue.
What might it look like if, instead of trying to manage or force or control my way through life, I engaged with what came in a spirit of calm virtue? What if I were able to really acknowledge that I don’t have control over everything and that I, like everyone, am always just taking my best shot. Can I redefine virtue not as performance, but simply as existing in grace? Can I allow more?
Which of course opens up even deeper questions about worthiness and belonging.
So many of us learn early and hard that we’re not worthy, and that shapes the way we show up for ourselves and the world, even when we’re not consciously aware of the connection. Sometimes simply being perceived at all can feel like too much. Other times things get hooked into our performance, or our appearance, or our ability to receive.
I certainly don’t have all the answers when it comes to this. But I am enjoying exploring the question of what might I do differently, working from a foundation of calm virtue. Or, what might I do the exact same, but it might feel different? If you’re interested in exploring this too, try this:
Think about a time when you felt you really had to perform to be worthy, or safe, or loved. What did that feel like in your body? What old stories might be attached to that feeling? How can you give yourself now what you didn’t have then?
Look at a situation in your life where you need or want to lead. What’s the underlying frame you approach your leadership with? Is it one of poking the fire, or of calm virtue?
Consider how sometimes things just work out, and we don’t know why. The opposite is also true: if something doesn’t work out, it doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with you. How does that feel in your body? What might you do differently, if that’s true?
And as always, I’m here to walk alongside you as we figure these things out. Find out what that might look like here.
