On Longing and Enoughness
I take myself out to lunch sometimes. Go on mini-retreats. Do work I love with people. And all three of those things has, at some point, had someone say to me, “Wow, I wish I could do that!”
That always makes me smile a little, because of course my first thought is, “You can!”
But I also understand what’s underneath that. Because it’s not just some sort of logistical hang-up, or something they’ve never thought about doing before.
This kind of longing, the “Wow, I wish I had her life!” type, is, deep down, a reach for perfection.
(Believe me, I understand – even though I have those things, I do still have places of longing, and feelings of lack. As always, I’m walking this path with you.)
Whether or not they consciously have that thought in the moment, when people get into that space, it’s because they imagine we have something they don’t. Our life is better than theirs, maybe even we are better than them, because we have found ourselves deserving of such things.
And that’s where things can get very tender.
Because when you see something, or someone, that activates that sense of longing in you, it can feel like a mirror’s being held up to the places of your life you feel the most lack. And it just might be tied into stories like, “I would only deserve to do that if... I can only access that when ... I can only have those things after I reach the state of enoughness.”
Of course, even as I say that, most of your inner voice probably knows that’s not true. And, just in case you don’t, let me confirm: you don’t get those things once you are “enough.” You decide you’re enough, and you give yourself a life that contains the things you want. But those quiet, deeper voices, the ones that maybe sprouted long ago, they might have a different story.
I’m going to be talking more about enoughness, and what it means to be enough and feel safe in that next month, but for now, my invitation to you is to play with longing.
Try this:
Start with exploration. What are you actually looking for, in those moments of longing? Look at your judgments, your resentments. When you see other people and imagine, “They must have XYZ,” what are you thinking they have?
Allow the feeling of longing to come up in your body. That’s it. Just let it have space. Maybe you take a few breaths and realize, “Oh. When my gut feels like this, what I’m actually feeling is longing.” Stay with it, just for a little while.
Keep an eye out for “I could nevers.” You know, the “I could never tell my mother in law that actually, I hate having dinner with her,” or, “I could never sit and have a nice glass of wine in a museum over my lunch break.” Says who? If you find yourself thinking anything along the lines of “I wish I didn’t have to…” or “I wish I could…” then maybe try imagining a little baby step version of that wish. Just as an experiment. Remember, your imagination has power.
And along those lines ... what if you just picked one desire, and decided you were going to do it, one way or another. Maybe the whole hour at the museum is too much to start, but you take 15 minutes to sit and look at paintings. Or you go on that mini-retreat with yourself, or you set that tiny boundary.
It’s all an experiment, and the most important part is staying aligned with yourself, and supporting yourself and your body through the change. I’m always here to help. Find out more about what it could look like for us to work together here!