The Answer is Always This

What if the base answer is always

The lesson to be learned is

How can I take care of and be nice to myself:

When a relationship ends

Or there’s a skirmish

Or things don't work out in our endeavor

Or we overtly mess up

And the answer is never:

Confirming we're an idiot

Turtling up and "see I never should have tried and won't again"

I shouldn't have needs

I never do anything right.

I wrote this and sent it to a friend a couple of weeks ago, and then forgot about it until she brought it up again. When I saw it again, I was a little nonplussed.

“Wait, doesn’t everybody know this?” I thought to myself. And then “Well, no. Of course. Because that’s why I do what I do.

But here’s the thing: I think everybody does know it, deep down.

But we put it aside. Or we forget about it, even if we know it pretty well most of the time. Or we give ourselves exceptions — “being kind to yourself is great advice for everyone, but not for me, the scum of the universe,” you know, that kind of thing.

So I want to remind you that even in the midst of all that, it’s still the answer.

Be kind to yourself even in the forgetting — and consider making an intentional, ongoing effort to be nice to yourself.

“Ughh but Christi, if I wanted standard self-care advice I’d go scroll Instagram!” I hear the imaginary you in my head sigh. And I get it. But I’m not telling you to go do the standard performative self-care stuff.

I’m asking you, right now, what is the kindest thing you can do for yourself in this moment?

Maybe it’s turning off that overhead light. Maybe it’s putting on some socks, because your feet are cold. Maybe it’s doing the hard thing you’ve been putting off, so you can finally get some relief. It doesn’t have to be big, or difficult. Relationships are built on the little moments, not the grand gestures — and that applies to your relationship with yourself, too.

So go easy. Practice kindness even in how you go about being kind to yourself. And, importantly, practice it while it’s easy.

The more you’re able to do things when they’re little and easy, the more you’re able to build the muscle memory that serves you when things are hard. You might still forget to do them, or they might feel like a stretch, but you know that you can do them — and that makes a huge difference.

Try this:

• What if you didn’t do anything right away? What if you just look for ways in which you’re already being nice to yourself. Look for places that you’re already taking care of yourself, or accounting for your preferences, even in the smallest of ways — for instance, choosing a type of soap that you like.

• Practice lingering in the feeling of doing nice things for yourself. This helps you build up the neuroplastic events that remind your brain that this is a thing, this is happening. See how you can really immerse yourself in that feeling.

• Look for something you could do that’s a bit of a stretch. Not all the time. Not in a rote kind of way. But what feels like it might be that kind of “Ooh, but can I even do that for myself?” type of thing.

And always, I’m here to support you as you build these new habits and pathways. Find out more about what that could look like here.