On Capacity, Discernment, and Reciprocal Compassion
I’ve been thinking a lot about capacity lately. It started off with some mild grumpiness about a dynamic I’ve found myself in where the people around me want something, but don’t want to say it (or can’t), and so they ask me to say the thing, because they know I can, and when I say the thing, it usually gets done.
At first I was kind of annoyed. But then I shifted my lens from one of responsibility — “This isn’t my job!” — to capacity. Are those people at capacity? Is that why they feel unable to say the thing? And might I have compassion for them, whether or not I decide to help in that moment?
That’s when I felt a tenderness in my chest, and knew: oh. This isn’t only about them. It’s about me.
I’ve been in a spot the past few years where I haven’t had the same capacity for some things that I did before.
I was expecting myself to do the same things with the same capacity, and it’s just not there. I’d seen it happen to other people who were a few years ahead of me, and thought, “Just step up!” But now that I’m here, I’m seeing that’s not an option.
So I’m practicing compassion: for myself, first. Which then of course leads to more compassion for those around me. Which tends to boomerang back into them having compassion for me. Reciprocal compassion.
And I’m also looking carefully at what’s mine and what’s not, and being aware of my orientation to the things I don’t like. It’s so easy to take on other people’s stuff, in fact, it’s a fantastic way to avoid taking care of yourself. And, if you have things in your life that are draining you, but you still want to keep around — or can’t do anything about, for now — can you change your orientation towards them? By which I mean, can there be a shift from “This is being done to me,” to “I don’t like this, and I’m currently choosing to continue with it”? Not in a New Agey, “everything happens to you because you’ve chosen your lesson or whatever,” but in a way that sees the reality of what’s happening without having to feel like you’re being put upon.
And, it’s well worth acknowledging that there are situations where I can do more than other people, and others can do things that I can’t.
I think that’s generally easier to see when I’m not deep down into the narrative of “Why do I have to do everything???”, and am instead able to meet myself and the other with compassion.
It’s an ongoing process, and one I’m still working on myself. But sometimes, making that choice of self-compassion, even in the midst of the draining stuff, can free up a bunch of energy. Food for thought.
Try This:
If you’re the kind of person who habitually steps in to help when others can’t do something (and so many of us are), what might happen if you saw things through the lens of capacity, and practiced discernment around whether you actually have the capacity to do something, and whether you want to use it in that way?
Think about your relationship with your own capacity. What does it feel like when you’re not able to do things the way you were able to do them before? What’s one very small way you might practice compassion for yourself.
What’s the most draining thing in your life? You probably got an instant, physical hit as it came to mind. What would happen if you let that plate fall? Or what might happen if you changed your orientation to it, even if you keep doing the same thing on the outside?
This is deep work, and it can be tender. If you’d like a guide and support as you do it, I’m here. Find out more about what that could look like here.
